I actually ended up enjoying being somewhere I didn't want to be!

Yesterday I went to a wedding!!!



Why the exclamation marks? I know I overuse them in my puntuation generally, but the reason I put some there was because it's so rare I go to one, & I've not been to any at all in my almost seven years of sobriety. So the appeal of a free bar didn't hold much appeal. Truth is I didn't much fancy it at all...

A few weeks ago my 'mate' Cookie gave me a bell & asked if I wanted to pop down to Rochester because his mum was getting married. I've met her a couple of times before & she's a nice lady. But I certainly couldn't say I really know her, or the family.

It was strange, because on the one hand Cookie invited me, but on the other hand I still wasn't sure if I wanted to be in his company for such a personal event. Hard to explain without going over a lot of previous, but I'll give it a go,while trying to be brief at the same time. ...

We've known each other for over a dozen years or more, we got to know each other through football, when he started popping down the Hamlet when he was about sixteen or so. I got to know him quite well, and I'd always support him & back him up when I could, as friends do. In September 2007 he even treated me to a long wekeend in Berlin, which I couldn't afford.
But I also had a habit of taking the piss out of him ,as he did of me. And I posted something on his blog which he took umbrage at. And then it got personal. He attacked me on his, so I responded. He then said some really nasty stuff on his, real hurtful vitriolic stuff. Not just personal but totally evil. I could really have got personal & played 'tit for tat' & verbally stuck the knife into him from the past when we were a lot closer, but chose not to. I didn't need to sink to that nasty level. And the friendship was over.

I was saddened, but not totally upset. For the simple reason was I felt I that I hadn't done too much wrong & my conscience was clear. As far as I was concerned it wasn't me who had problems but him.

Out of the blue, just under six months ago, I got texts from him apologising. I knew he'd been back in prison, what for I've never asked. To be perfectly honest I didn't know what to think. I wasn't sure if I wanted to resume a friendship after what he'd said. I didn't need all this shit, and I like to think I'm loyal to my friends & always will be while they're my friends. That is what friendship is all about. But once that friendship is broken it's over. A bond is gone that can never be joined again. But bridges can be rebuilt, & I am glad he got back in touch, as despite everything, I did miss his friendship & he will always mean a lot to me, no matter what.

I thought long and hard as to whether to speak to him & meet up with him now and again. And I really do mean long and hard. And you know what? I'm glad I did. I don't have many friends, and neither does he. It might be partly selfish on my part, but I still care about him a lot.
He's still the fool, and talks a lot of nonsense, & don't get me started on his religious mumbo jumbo & some of the other company he keeps! Well ok, now I've mentioned it...he's converting to judaism, which is his choice, but.. and this is a BIG BUT.. one of his other mates is Jerry, a nazi white supremacist, who has been to the Fatherland that is Germany to attend right wing festivals! A Jew whose best mate is a Holocaust denier! You couldn't make it up! Someone please knock some sense into him because I can't!

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the wedding!

I wore a shirt, which was smart for me, though I didn't go 'suited and booted'. A bit difficult as I don't possess a whistle. But I was assured it would be ok by him. Just as well, because he wasn't wearing one either! As you can see from this snap, as he 'blended in' with everyone else in the front row!-



But, to be fair, it was a smart top he's got on.

He met me at Rochester station, and we popped into Baggins,



And had a quick wander round the Guildhall. ,which includes some of the maritime history on the Medway towns.



Too much information for Cookie, his brain was starting to go into overdrive, so he needed a liedown...



And so, after all that culture, we went to the bar where the ceremony was. A smart bar on the High Street. With the actual ceremony in the basement downstairs, which was an crypt type place, and well smart with old brickwork. There were about fifty people there, and he didn't know many himself! Some relatives he knew, but he hadn't seen them for a while. And his sister was up from London, with a few of her posh 'freeloading' university friends.

We were there about an hour before the nuptuals. And we were in a small bar area, just for the wedding party. Free champagne, or orange juice. Here he is with a glass of champers.



What was funny was he was moaning that his mum had been moaning at him for weeks not to get drunk, and after the serious business was over she was still nagging him, with me assuring her I'd kep an eye on him! He was actually sober when he stepped back & knocked over a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket on a stand, sending ice, water, & the champers across the carpet! Which was hilarious! And he had no shame in claiming the dregs that remained in the bottle as a top up! Which might sound a bit 'pikey', but it's also got a touch of class in my book!

I'd never been to a civil wedding before, and it was quite short and sweet. Also quite amusing, as his mum was clearly very nervous, but she got through it! I sat near the back, as I was only a minor guest, on my own & it was surprisingly emotional. I wasn't so much moved by the event, as realising what I would miss out on. Not the 'wedding' thing. But a 'civil ceremony'. Although I'm a lot more comfortable with being gay than I was, I can't see myself ever finding a partner. I'm not particularly attractive & my teeth are a complete mess, missing & smashed & crooked. I don't have any social skills, and wouldn't know where, or how, to start looking for a boyfriend. I'm totally resigned to never being in a relationship & will only have pick ups fom the internet or sex in toilets. I felt happy for them but also sad for me, and I had to be quite strong to hold back some tears.

After the deed was done, and the marriage register signed,it was back upstairs for the real drinking to commence, with a free bar for the night! Fucking great! Where the bloody hell were they when I was still drinking? Which probably answers itself. Nobody in their right mind would have asked me to such occasions . One time I was it was for the wedding of one of my old friends Runner, who is a Millwall fan, who I knew a an old drinking partner from the Hamlet. I thought it was a great evening, the beer was flowing, I'd caned as much wine as possible during the meal, just because you could, even though I wasn't a wine drinker, & that was it really. Except the next day my brother tried to say I was a bit out of order having a go at the Italian woman, and making her cry. Truth is I haven't a clue what I said, & still don't to this day. And don't have a clue who she was, except she was someone's partner at the bash. That's an alcoholic for you. I am ashamed, but I don't regret, because you can't look back as that will screw you up. The only sorrow I have is that I don't know who she is to make amends.

There was a break before the dancing and celebratory drinking kicked in. The cellar had been relaid out, into two long tables for the meal, which was a sit down buffet, hot food; with the family table at the top. Now for me I prefer a good old fashioned 'working class' buffet. Triangular sandwiches, cheese & pineapple on a stick, bowl of jellied eels, chicken drumsticks, dips, assorted party 'crap' from Iceland...you know the spread! But this was nice. And no chips or even potatoes in site! Pasta, vegetables (which I ignored!), a noodle dish, with crunchy sort of vegetable crap in it (which dare I say it but I don't know what on earth that shit was but it tasted ok!), satay chicken, and slices of roast beef & lamb. Presumably no pork at the insistence of the new-jew Cookie! And there was enough to go up for a second plateful if you wished, which naturally I did. As I say, I'm more at home with a 'council estate platter', but that's for me to say. NOT the posh lot sat by me from the university. They actually expressed genuine surprise that it was acceptable tucker. Muttering, but not too loudly in case anyone heard them, they expected pinapple & cheese on a stick, & lots of sausage rolls. I really had to bite my tongue & count to ten to keep my mouth shut & not create a scene. fucking poncy stuck up toffee nosed twats! But it was good grub, I'd have been happy with sausage rolls, unlike them, but this was actually posh for me! I don't know if they were expecting a delivery from Iceland, or what!

The speeches came next, and they were short and sweet. It was strange because Cabbie, the groom, had his brother in law as the best man, and he'd hardly met Cookie's mum. But he seemed alright. His missus also said a few words at the end, and it really struck a chord with me. She mentioned she saw the true happiness in Cabbie's smile, when she first met them together. And that was just like christmas 2007, when my brother Mook, who had been married for over twenty years had split, and then met his now fiancee Mountie. She came over for the first time that christmas, & we (myself & sisters) all met her for the first time then. A few days after she went home he asked me what I thought, and he was dead nervous about it, which was unusual for him. I had to think carefully about my reply. I had to say I'd honestly never seen him so happy in his entire life! So I could see where the woman at the top table was coming from today.

Even in the midst of middle age people can find happiness, which will be for the beginning of the rest of their lives. I don't think I will ever experience this, but for a brief moment it would be wonderful to imagine, but I shut that out quickly as it's too depressing to contemplate reality.

Before the wedding yesterday I was actually dreading the whole afternoon.Sitting in the small bar, sipping orange juice, not knowing anyone apart from Cookie. Wondering how on earth I'd try to stretch conversation out, as everyone else got progressively drunk around me. I was desperately trying to work out how soon I could sneak out, without appearing rude. With between six or seven my target-at the latest!

But it didn't quite work like that. It actually turned out a pleasant evening! This is how 'normal' people have a good time! Despite almost seven years sobriety I still can't get over how 'slowly' ordinary people drink. And with a 'free bar' too! But then I suppose that's simply another symptom of alcoholism that never goes away. Not being able to consider drink rationally.

After downstairs was set for the evening the happy couple cut the cake.



This was later cut up into small pieces, and put into napkins, for eveyone to take a piece home, which is traditional. Which I did, but maybe one ot two extra 'slipped' into my pockets, and I ended up with a greedy, 'pikey' six pieces! And it was all delicious! Sometimes you can ignore watching your sugar intake with diabetes 2! (I hope) Well I'm not dead, and it was a rare treat!

Then they had the 'first dance'



When that was done it was time to 'disappear'. Not sneak off early as planned, I had surprised myself by enjoying myself, but to avoid getting roped into dancing! I simply can't dance. Never have done & don't know how to! Through my teenage years I avoided the 'teenybop' discos, because all my mates tried to cop off with girls & I didn't fancy them, so didn't like them things. Scared in case my mates got me to talk about & to girls, when I fancied the boys. Then, as I got older, I simply 'fell in love' with drink, instead of going to gay clubs, and besides I can't dance anyway! Excuses, excuses maybe? But another reason I'll always be lonely without a partner...

There was a smoking area outside, not that I smoke. But it was somewhere to 'escape' from the dancing downstairs, to just chill out and chat, it was actually nice to see Cookie talk to some old relatives, and start to relax. He insisted I take a few photos of him with them for for his American friends. I'm not sure if he wanted me to include them all on here, but what the heck!


This one is with his mum & sister.


Here he is with his 'new dad'!


This is a snap with two of his uncles. The one on the left had a jokey syrup with him...


Which Cookie took a shine to! ;-)

There was also a yard behind the bar, below the smoking balcony, which was closed off. In the middle was alone palm tree. no tables, chairs, nothing! Presumably at the beginning of a 'makeover' for the coming summer months. There were wires coming out of the paving stones, I would guess for those great patio heater stands. They are great to stand under at dusk. If ever I had a proper life, and a garden and money, I'd get one for outside! for some reason Cookie wanted his photo taken with it.



I don't know what a 'Freudian' type would have made of this. A lone tree, surrounded by emptiness & Cookie. How would you interpret his life from that? I'm not going to answer my rhetorical question. Those in glass houses & all that...

Thankfully, from my point of view, his nazi mate, who he'd asked along didn't show. I somehow didn't thnk I'd want to be in his company, and would have told him so in no uncertain terms. Which would have been a shame on Cookie, as it might have taken a bit of the shine off of his day. But then he shouldn't be making excuses for cunts like that anyway!

One of his ex-work mates Security did show, and he was actually a decent bloke.



To be honest they did talk '(ex)shop' a bit too much for my liking. But then, if it wasn't for his recent spell in prison Cookie would still be happily employed in that field, rather than currently on the rock & roll. And they didn't rabbit on about work in a boring way, so I didn't mind really.

There was another bloke we chatted to & what a prat he was! Cookie mentioned that he was looking into maybe moving abroad to make a new start, & that set White-Van off! He moaned about all the foreigners, & illegals, caliming all the benefits & sponging off the state, when your Englishmen couldn't get anything. He ranted about Albanians & Kosovans who smoked, drove cars, and all had big screen plasma televisions on their walls! not to mention taking our jobs while signing on. And how did he know this? He owned properties which he rented out to loads of them, & saw their flash lifestyles when he went round to collect their rent! Oh the irony! Just a pity I didn't have the facts to hand! What a tosser!

I dread to think how much I had to drink. I was overdosed on J2O! The funny thing was that whenever I went to the bar and asked for a Becks, vodka, & a J2O the barmaids asked what flavour J2O I wanted. They couldn't quite grasp the fact I couldn't care less and just said that any of them would do!

Beer must make you want to piss more, as it was quite a while before I had a slash. So I thought Cookie had been joking when he said that he had pissed into the sinks, rather than the urinals, before he realised his mistake, as they looked the same!



But you know what..he had a point!

All too soon it was gone half past ten at night, and I had to bid my goodbyes, and say my thank yous,Cookie struggled to get through the cellar bar wothout getting grabbed for a boogie!



He managed to 'escape' their clutches by insisting he had to walk me up to the station, which they fell for!
And as we were strolling up Rochester High Street 'Star Wars' fan Cookie bumped into a Stormtrooper! I kid you not! He wanted his photo taken, but bottled it, I knew he'd regret it & made him ask to pose for a snap!



And on that bizarre note I bade my farewells, ending up on the 23.05 train back to London!

Stuffing my face on bits of wedding cake, happy to know that an old friendship was getting cemented again, though after he reads all this I'm not so sure! ;-)