At my wits end...

Not quite, but not far off it!

My internet is playing up again, hence my lack of posts. Both here, and elsewhere. You may recall it was fucked up a month or so ago. But service was restored. Last Tuesday it took me twenty minutes to get a connection. Since Wednesday morning-nothing!

I phoned up to complain yet again. It's funny how they call you back if you say you will cancel your direct debit if they don't, once they say they can't!

Anyway, after some more smarmy Indian call centre bullshit they asked me to check the laptop in another area, to see if it was the modem or not. Well I had no choice did I? They said it probably wasn't as I had been getting connections previously. So I said call me back in a couple of hours, and I would go out and check. This was about two o'clock in the afternoon, I hadn't been out yet, having got up late as it was my day off work, at about eleven. So I popped into the bathroom to have a wash before I left. I pick up my phone as I was about to leave & noticed two missed calls, caller withheld.

I had a feeling the dongle thingy wouldn't work, I know it's fucked as they made me do the same thing a few weeks before. Surprise, surprise no connection at either London Bridge, or Trafalgar Square. When I got home they rang back...surprisingly-surprising because it was when they said they would-& apologised, saying they tried to call me back, but I hadn't answered earlier. The local towers were bering upgraded. Hmm...I said that's what they said last month. Yes, that was to check if they needed upgrading, now they were doing the work. Bullshit! He suggested sending a new modem, but said it would be the upgrade work, which was being completed tomorrow (Thursday). He would call me back on Friday evening to see that everything was ok, which he assured me it should be. Fair enough, though I didn't think it would.

Come Friday, & no connection! I told him this when he called. He said he would order me a new modem & it would be at no extra cost...I butted in & said what do you mean no extra cost? I should hope not! As I hadn't broken anything! You're not supplying the service!

Anyway I'm due to have one arrive, sent to me at work, tomorrow, Tuesday. I'm bringing my laptop in to work to test it there & then, & he will call me. If they try to fob me off I will ask them...how come, late on Friday evening, I actually got a connection? But then nothing for the rest of the weekend? It's a shocking, shoddy service from Three. Which is a shame,. as until these recent problems the service has been fine. But when something goes wrong...

So it's only a computer! Am I addicted to the internet? A sort of surrogate alcohol? Maybe? I don't know.

But what I do know is that I don't want to be sat in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous every night to keep sane. blogging calms me, & it's something I enjoy. I love taking photos, & my grounds photos blog has been well received all over the country, and,beleive it or not, across Europe! It's something that gives me a sense of worth & achievement far beyond what I ever thought I was capable of.

My laptop is my emotional crutch. It is the use of the internet that keeps me from drinking & occupied. I am at a loss without it. It is no coincidence that I have been thinking more & more of 'just having a few drinks'. Not a huge bender, I don't suppose it would take much to get me drunk at the moment anyway, as I'm over seven years sober. But just enough to have 'one taste' again, & to 'escape' from the 'madness' that is going through my head, because I am so stressed out over a lump of metal that's not working, which is my laptop.

And that's not a good frame of mind to be in, trust me! Which is why I went to an AA meeting last night, the first one I've been to in over a month. Maybe I don't go to enough of them, who knows? But I know where they are, I need them now & again, & this is one of them times.

I don't know what I'll do if my computer doesn't work. I feel like I'm heading back to square one, & oblivion.

Last Thursday the Supporters' Team had their annual cricket match with the Bromley fans. We won last year, but it's a bit like England & The Ashes. You only win once in a generation. And, sure enough, we lost again, so they lead 3-1 in the one off anuual 20/20 series against us. I was working til seven. But I dashed there & caught the end. I was after the usual team snap, & a chat to our lot, so I could knock up a small write up for the team blog. But a couple of mates started taking the piss, and refused when I wanted a team photo, so I never got one. I went off home, without staying afterwards. I was really pissed off. Stupid over such a little thing, but that's how fucked up I am at the moment, and being without internet doesn't help. Waiting that night at Mottingham station I had thoughts through my head that I haven't had for a long time, & the track did look inviting.

I don't want to top myself, & hope I don't, but I do know that is how I will finish my life. I am very fragile emotionally at the moment, & just hope I can get my internet back, so I get in a stronger frame of mind mentally.

My lunch break is over now, but I've said what I want to say really, and just by posting here a bit of a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Which is the whole point of blogging. I do enjoy it..but more importantly it keeps me sane. And if it does that job, others are welcome to joke that I'm addicted to the internet.